Ignore the photos, kids
I recently came across a funny blog post by a writer named Claire Berlinski, who described the experience of being recruited by a raunchy skin mag (specifically, Penthouse) to write an article on a non-sexual subject. Here’s the passage that caught my attention, for reasons you’ll understand in a moment:
So, I came back home the other day to see that the postman had delivered a package. In a plain manila envelope. I opened it … and what did I find: Two shiny new copies of Penthouse — with my article in it.
… The article looked great. Penthouse’s photographers are absolutely top-notch. But I’d forgotten just how pornographic Penthouse really is. I was sort of torn between pride in my work and a desire to make sure than no one sees these things in my apartment, ever.
Been there, hidden that.
Years ago — more years than I want to acknowledge — I wrote a series of newspaper articles about white supremacists. I spent six months researching and reporting the story, traveling across the country to learn about the racist underground (and at one point meeting a guy who later made the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted list). The Associated Press distributed a version of my story, which was printed in papers all over the continent. Not long afterward, my newsroom phone rang and the fellow on the line introduced himself as the articles editor for Hustler magazine. He asked me to write a piece for Hustler — basically, a rewrite of the stuff I’d already published — and dangled a fat check and the possibility of future assignments in front of me as an incentive.
I asked for a day to think about it. The ensuing 24 hours were spent listening to an endless argument between the Evil Me and the Virtuous Me over whether to accept the assignment:
Evil Me: “Hey, we could use the money.”
Virtuous Me: “It’s Hustler, for God’s sake.”
Evil Me: “It’s a byline in a national magazine.”
Virtuous Me: “It’s a byline in Hustler. What, you think the New York Times will see it and offer you a job?”
Evil Me: “It could be a great icebreaker at parties.”
Virtuous Me: “Yeah, what woman wouldn’t be charmed by a guy who name-drops Larry Flynt?”
In the end, I decided to pass. When I called the editor to tell him, he asked a favor: Would I at least send him copies of all my stories? I did, and a couple of months later, a large, plain brown envelope was dropped on my desk at work. When I opened it I found a copy of the latest issue of Hustler. Inside was an article on the racist underground. The author had helped himself to generous portions of my reporting, but had graciously (and prominently) included my name as the source of information. I’d ended up in Hustler after all.
Like Berlinski, I kept the magazine out of sight. Eventually I cut the pages containing the article out of the magazine and threw the rest away. Still, the reverse sides of those pages are unmistakably Hustler-esque. They’re now buried in a file cabinet, where they will remain until the day my children find them after my funeral. I can already imagine their reactions when that happens:
Daughter: “Oh, ick. Dad was in Hustler magazine.”
Son: “Really? What a great icebreaker.”
November 12th, 2009 at 9:37 am
There may be many treasures in that file cabinet. The fun will certainly take the edge off of your passing.
November 12th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Great piece, Dan…and Doug.
November 12th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Hey now, why all the hate? Even Beaver Hunters need to know about white supremacists, too.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Hey, at least it’s a publication with a good business model. It’s not like saying:
Granddaughter: “Grandad got had an article in the News and Observer”.
Grandson: “The what!”
November 12th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Yeah, well if your children do stumble upon this stuff, they’ll likely being viewing images of good old American porn. I’m sure it’s raunchy, as Hustler is not really known for leaving things to the imagination but at least they won’t think you’re a freak. I’m a runner and I was recently looking for a pair of underwear made of the same moisture-wicking fabrics used in running shorts with built-in briefs that I could wear under some heavier shorts as it’s getting colder. So I found and ordered some from Amazon. Now, when I log into the site I keep getting recommended products like “Balls in One Erector Brief in Black” complete with photos of well endowed young men modeling the products. Try explaining that to your youngster.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Well, it certainly gives a whole new meaning to WAW!
November 12th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
GD, having just finished your moist, I mean most recent piece in Hustler, I found it to be a real page turner. It really dealt with some sticky issues. I mean those white supremicists, what a bunch of jerk offs. You really give a whole new meaning to “expose”. Anyway, I left it in the Men’s room at the N&O where I found it, in case you ever decide to move back to the triangle and need a job. Gotta go wash my hands. Say howdy to W for us.
November 12th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Ah have only read the articles. I have never looked at that woman, Miss October.
November 13th, 2009 at 7:32 am
Heh, heh. BP nails it.
November 13th, 2009 at 10:20 am
And to think I lambast the N&O for its copyediting, there I go and put a “got” in a sentence where it don’t belong.
That should have been:
“Grandad had an article in the News and Observer”
Not that that’s real good English anyway.
November 13th, 2009 at 11:33 am
BP may prove prophetic but, while that would be sad, it would be due to economic realities and not your conspiracy theories. Actually, in many homes, his narrative could take place in the present day since the overwhelming majority of residents don’t read any newspapers — in print or online.
I’m guessing this is your substitute for a response on the other thread. Certainly would fit the profile
Strategies of an N&O conspiracy theorist…
1. Use only generalized accusations which are difficult to confirm or dispute as the basis for your position. E.g. — Abuse exists, check the coverage of Fetzer & Helms and you’ll see what I mean — it should be obvious so I don’t need to tell you what to look for.
2. Rely on only the the most superficial research or fact checking to support your claims. E.g. I ran a single search with very narrow search criteria and I couldn’t find a thing — therefore, it does not exist.
3. When faced with directly contradictory evidence proving your claims are false, down play it as “random scraps,” “thin gruel” and change your allegations — “Okay, exists but it was buried inside the paper.” Don’t bother fact checking this claim as it could be wrong and it doesn’t matter if it’s wrong, just claim it anyway.
4. Take a cue from Lou Dobbs & repeat claims even if proven to be completely factually inaccurate as repetition will help bolster your argument. E.g. “As I pointed out, it doesn’t even show up on an archive search.”
5. Allege the most generic and basic coverage about a large commercial operation owned by a prominent family in NC business & politics is some sort of retribution to tarnish their image. Again, provide no specifics or comparisons that can be used to either substantiate or disprove — just make the claim.
6. Imply that events which don’t fit your argument happened by chance and are not the result of work done by the paper to uncover corruption. E.g. the provost’s spontaneous resignation is what forced their hand to cover the story. Do the Dobbs again and repeat inaccurate claims.
7. Claim the reason no good evidence exists for the very core of your argument — That liberal rag only goes after republicans! — is due to the fact that majority control has been in democratic hands for a long time. Never mind that roughly 36 percent of the current state senate and 38 percent of the current house is made up of republicans. If they don’t own the majority, they cannot be corrupt and that is why the N&O hasn’t aimed any of their abusive coverage at them.
8. Downplay the fact that the most damaging stories have been almost exclusive written about Democrats by labeling them “window dressing.”
9. Bolster your allegations with more generic claims. E.g. “If the N&O was really doing their job Marc Basnight would be in jail.” Don’t worry that your earlier claims would fly in the face of this assertion as no other source has uncovered any corruption on him either — “The days of the N&O’s local media monopoly are over. We now have alternatives.” Again, it only matters that you make these claims, not that any can actually be proven. After all he’s been controlling the NC democratic machine forever, he has to be corrupt. [Truthfully, I think Basnight probably has abused his power, he’s just been better at covering his tracks to this point. However, I also don’t think N&O coverage of him has been or is very favorable]
10. Allege that a job whose duties include expressing opinions is no different than reporting. Any separation of editorial pages (clearly labeled as such) and news is merely a ruse. Everyone who researches or writes anything for the N&O is like minded and support the same political agenda. Throw in a false implication to support your argument — no research or fact checking required — E.G. the N&O has never endorsed a republican.
11. If anyone disputes any of your claims, repeat any or all of the above. If that doesn’t work, just ignore it and wait for another opportunity to make the same claims. Remember, repetition is the key.
November 13th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
More from Gearino’s inner dialogue.
Evil Me: “Bag the blog. I need another day off. The fish are bitin’ so to speak.”
Virtuous Me: “For God’s sake man. Consider your devoted following! You only work 2 days a week as it is! And how much beer and pornography can one man consume?”
Evil Me: “Oh bite me, Me. And that’s a question I damn sure aim to answer one of these days.”
Virtuous Me: “You’ll soon regret your sloth and mendacity, oh slothful and mendacious one!”
Evil Me: “Let’s see… a twelve pack of cold Coronas, an institutional sized bag of barbeque-flavored Fritos and Jenna Jameson’s latest hummin’ (good pun Danny boy) in the disk drive. Yeah, I got a lot to regret.”
Virtuous Me: “I’m…getting….weaker. Can’t fight Evil Dan any……longer. Must rest…to fight an…other d…ay.”
November 13th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Evil Dan’s Top Five Misdeeds - the early years
1. Filled the Tampax machine in the Teacher’s Lounge with slugs - Lester Maddox Elementary School; 1963.
2. Dined and dashed on a ravioli platter, two Pepsis and a side order of bread sticks. Pizza King, Doraville, Georgia; 1970. Abandoned his date to face the consequences.
3. Claimed to have a terminal illness to get sympathy sex from the head cheerleader; Nostradamus High School; 1971.
4. Later that same week, feigned ignorance when said cheerleader confronted him with the fact that she seemed to have contracted an illness from him, but it wasn’t “terminal”.
5. Squandered his trust fund to finance his dream of becoming an empresario. His only production ‘Beowulf, The Musical’, opened and closed on the same night; January 21, 1973.
November 13th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
I’m triscadecaphobic.
November 14th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
NIT, talk about conspiracy theorists! Sheesh, man you need to lay off the caffeine. You would think someone said something against your poor mama instead of simply having journalistic criticism of the N&O. You did an outstanding job of explaining the forest, all the while ignoring the big tree in the room. No matter, let the ignorant masses rail. As least there is you and Barack Hussein to lead us down the merry lane. It’s a new day NIT. When it comes to the N&O (your rationalizations not withstanding), it truly is not that important.
November 16th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Arena,
Thanks for your concern. I believe there is parity in our reciprocal appreciation of each other’s comments.
Since it’s gone totally past you, I’ll reiterate that I have zero issue with fair and honest criticism of the N&O (or anything for that matter). Heck, I’ve been and will continue to be critical of the N&O myself. What I take issue with is criticism that is factually wrong or based on seriously misleading information. Of course, what should I expect from someone who feels it necessary to refer to our president using his middle name as though the moniker is somehow relevant to his ideology or character.
And, while you may feel great about the dawn of an era in which less eyes are around to keep our tax dollars from being misused and/or squandered, I’m entitled to express my concern for the loss.
There is an old analogy used to explain the universality of opinions among all humankind. We’ve all got one, but we don’t have to be one.
November 20th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Well, I’ve really gotten under someone’s skin. But as I am in Dijon tonight and headed to Paris tomorrow, I have better things to attend to than someone’s blind support of the N&O.