Archive for June, 2009

My fantasy lottery statement

Thursday, June 25th, 2009

There are certain protocols to be observed when a lottery winner steps up to claim his winnings. He must declare that suddenly being a millionaire won’t change his life; and news reports must dutifully print that promise.

Both protocols were observed earlier this week when a Kings Mountain man showed up in Raleigh to collect his $88 million Powerball jackpot (which, after taxes and allowing for a lump-sum payment, came to $29 million). As the News & Observer reported, the winner …

… who describes himself as an average guy, showed up to the news conference wearing jeans, a polo shirt and a baseball cap.

“You’re not going to see me changing. Or my family,” he said. “At least I hope not.”

I rarely buy lottery tickets, although for a time the WAW retirement plan depended entirely on a lottery jackpot. (I later opted for safer investments, putting all assets into AIG and GM). But if I start buying tickets again — and if I happen to win — I’ll defy protocol. Flagrantly.

My statement at the news conference when I collect the winnings will go something like this:

“Hey, this changes everything. Goodbye old life, hello debauchery and depravity. Trust me, I’ll never work a single day again. I hope my idiot boss understands that he’s lucky I’m not even gonna stop by the office to empty my desk. I haven’t forgotten the last performance review from that jerk. Ah, hell. I don’t care anymore. Starting tomorrow, the mojitos will flow before the sun is over the yardarm. Did I say tomorrow? Let’s make it today! Who’s with me? Everybody? Awright, let’s find the nearest bar and get this party started. Hey, somebody ask Gov. Perdue if she wants to tag along. She looks like she might be fun after a few drinks.”

The only fly in this ointment is that I’m my own boss these days. But the statement above still applies.