My fantasy lottery statement
There are certain protocols to be observed when a lottery winner steps up to claim his winnings. He must declare that suddenly being a millionaire won’t change his life; and news reports must dutifully print that promise.
Both protocols were observed earlier this week when a Kings Mountain man showed up in Raleigh to collect his $88 million Powerball jackpot (which, after taxes and allowing for a lump-sum payment, came to $29 million). As the News & Observer reported, the winner …
… who describes himself as an average guy, showed up to the news conference wearing jeans, a polo shirt and a baseball cap.
“You’re not going to see me changing. Or my family,” he said. “At least I hope not.”
I rarely buy lottery tickets, although for a time the WAW retirement plan depended entirely on a lottery jackpot. (I later opted for safer investments, putting all assets into AIG and GM). But if I start buying tickets again — and if I happen to win — I’ll defy protocol. Flagrantly.
My statement at the news conference when I collect the winnings will go something like this:
“Hey, this changes everything. Goodbye old life, hello debauchery and depravity. Trust me, I’ll never work a single day again. I hope my idiot boss understands that he’s lucky I’m not even gonna stop by the office to empty my desk. I haven’t forgotten the last performance review from that jerk. Ah, hell. I don’t care anymore. Starting tomorrow, the mojitos will flow before the sun is over the yardarm. Did I say tomorrow? Let’s make it today! Who’s with me? Everybody? Awright, let’s find the nearest bar and get this party started. Hey, somebody ask Gov. Perdue if she wants to tag along. She looks like she might be fun after a few drinks.”
The only fly in this ointment is that I’m my own boss these days. But the statement above still applies.
June 25th, 2009 at 9:02 am
Damn straight. I plan to spend my lottery winnings on a series of Argentinian mistresses and a large megaphone to do some hypocritical street preaching about the wages of sin and God’s law. And pork rinds.
June 25th, 2009 at 9:11 am
Sounds about right to me. I have my speech all set as well, but I’ll keep it private. Don’t want the boss to know what I really think.
June 25th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Comedian James Gregory said that if he won the lottery, “even just one million dollars,” here’s what he would say when he collected the check:
“The following people can kiss my big, rich a$$ …”
Reading off that list would be almost as rewarding as getting the money.
June 25th, 2009 at 10:53 am
My speech:
“I will immediately go into hiding, and set up so many trusts and shell companies to thwart any pesky previously-unknown ‘relatives’ trying to get hold of my loot.
Say, where’s the nearest motor yacht dealer?”
June 25th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Never have understood why winners think it’s so important not to change. Guess they don’t understand that “change” is just different, not necessarily good or bac.
I love the James Gregory quote. I definitely have a list!
June 25th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
If I Had A Million Dollars
by Barenaked Ladies
If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
I’d buy you a house
(I would buy you a house)
If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
I’d buy you furniture for your house
(Maybe a nice chesterfield or an ottoman)
And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I’d buy you a K-Car
(A nice Reliant automobile)
If I had a million dollars I’d buy your love
If I had a million dollars
I’d build a tree fort in our yard
If I had million dollars
You could help, it wouldn’t be that hard
If I had million dollars
Maybe we could put like a little tiny fridge in there somewhere
You know, we could just go up there and hang out
Like open the fridge and stuff
There would already be laid out foods for us
Like little pre-wrapped sausages and things
They have pre-wrapped sausages but they don’t have pre-wrapped bacon
Well, can you blame ‘em
Uh, yeah
If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I’d buy you a fur coat
(But not a real fur coat that’s cruel)
And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I’d buy you an exotic pet
(Yep, like a llama or an emu)
And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a a million dollars)
Well, I’d buy you John Merrick’s remains
(Ooh, all them crazy elephant bones)
And If I had a million dollars I’d buy your love
If I had a million dollars
We wouldn’t have to walk to the store
If I had a million dollars
Now, we’d take a limousine ’cause it costs more
If I had a million dollars
We wouldn’t have to eat Kraft Dinner
But we would eat Kraft Dinner
Of course we would, we’d just eat more
And buy really expensive ketchups with it
That’s right, all the fanciest ke… dijon ketchups!
Mmmmmm, Mmmm-Hmmm
If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I’d buy you a green dress
(But not a real green dress, that’s cruel)
And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I’d buy you some art
(A Picasso or a Garfunkel)
If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I’d buy you a monkey
(Haven’t you always wanted a monkey)
If I had a million dollars
I’d buy your love
If I had a million dollars, If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars, If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
I’d be rich
June 26th, 2009 at 8:23 am
For my 10th grade English final, I incorporated that Barenaked Ladies song into my essay. I don’t remember the details, but I did quote “Kraft dinner,” and I ended up getting a B.
Winning the jackpot sure is a nice fantasy. I’d use it to travel the world with my family; there’s so much I’m dying to see!
June 29th, 2009 at 12:17 am
I’d keep working for at least a month just to piss everyone off…..