Any faithful reader of News & Observer columnist Barry Saunders — and I count myself as one — knows to expect certain recurring rhetorical flourishes. After writing what Saunders clearly thinks is a shocking declaration, for instance, he’s prone to follow it with this sentence: “Don’t look at me like that.” (I searched for that phrase in the N&O’s online archive, and stopped counting after finding it a dozen times in Saunders columns.)

That’s a benign habit, however, a stylistic tic that can be easily forgiven and overlooked. The old joke about being a newspaper columnist is that it’s like being married to a sex addict: It’s only fun for the first couple of weeks. Having worked as a columnist for many years, I can testify to the essential truth behind that bit of japery. It’s hard work to keep a newspaper column fresh and interesting. It’s second nature for a writer to have a few stock phrases in his quiver of material.

More bothersome is Saunders’ reliably vague references to his allegedly checkered background. We were treated to one such reference in his column yesterday:

The last time someone broke into my home, I immediately applied for a gun permit. DENIED! — something about an incident in Georgia that I don’t remember.

Since the Fulton County sheriff told me I’d have to come down in person to find out about the warrant, it appears I won’t be getting a gun permit anytime soon — or setting foot in Georgia, either.

Implicit in that passage is that Saunders has a criminal history (or at least faces criminal charges) serious enough to keep him from getting a gun permit here in North Carolina, and to prompt him to stay out of Georgia. Is that strictly true? An exaggeration? Do N&O editors have any interest in knowing the answer? Surely not. If they start asking such questions, the results could be … well, awkward.

My guess is that Saunders simply has achieved the same kind of leeway with the facts enjoyed by, say, David Sedaris, who has built a career out of stretching the facts of his Raleigh upbringing to comic lengths. There probably was some incident in Georgia that brought Saunders to the attention of the police. I doubt there’s a warrant for his arrest — although since he brought it up, his bosses ought to check it out — and there’s surely no reason for him to avoid travel to Georgia.

We’ll know for sure on September 12. That’s when Saunders’ son, a member of the University of South Carolina’s football team, travels to Georgia to play the Bulldogs. My bet is that daddy will be there.

I watched, and listened to, President Obama’s speech Tuesday night, every single word of it. My sofa buddy was asleep within minutes — she says there’s something in Obama’s speaking cadence that sends her to dreamland almost immediately — but I was riveted. Besides, it seemed like good citizenship. We’re at a critical moment in our history, and it’s important to keep an eye on the people who make the decisions. My verdict on Obama’s speech: Neither inspiring nor disappointing. As was the case with so many others like it delivered by previous presidents, his talk was long on platitudes — we’re strong, we’ll persevere, we’ll fix knotty problems, etc. — and short on details. Then again, there’s no percentage in being too specific at such a moment. (Perhaps you’ve heard the Yiddish proverb, “Man plans, God laughs.”) For what it’s worth, the Web site Politico yesterday published a handy translation of the key passages in Obama’s speech. It turns out our president had lots to say — if you knew how to listen between the lines.

It is often said that Europe is the canary in the coal mine in regards to the clash between Western culture and Islamic values. By most measures, that canary is swooning. This piece, originally published in German (and suffering from a ham-handed English translation), explains how European intellectuals, publishers and politicians have essentially conceded the battle. Seemingly paralyzed by the belief that any utterance carrying even the faintest whiff of unhappiness with Islamic values will be seen as a failure of tolerance and diversity, Europe’s cultural leaders have developed an alarming reflex of self-censorship. More troubling is that I see regular indications that the same thing is happening here.

A WAW reader forwarded this Italian-language video, which is titled “heavy equipment operator’s final exam.” If you’ve ever wondered (and who hasn’t?) how to undress a gorgeous woman using a huge piece of construction machinery, the video shows you. Despite the removal of clothing, however, the video is tame enough to watch at work. (The final exam stops at the underwear stage.) As a one-time equipment operator, I can tell confirm this guy is really good.

Most of us, being adult and jaded and uncomfortably aware of the random cruelty of fate, have long forgotten what it was like to be on the cusp of college and excited at the career possibilities before you. “Should I be a surgeon? An engineer? A best-selling, critically acclaimed writer? Oooh! How ’bout a top gun fighter pilot? Yeah, that’s it.”

We were so cute. So earnest. So totally deluded as to believe it was as easy as selecting a major, and then stepping into that fantasy job a few years later.

That’s why it’s so entertaining to read this piece from The Princeton Review, headlined “Top 10 Majors for 2009.” It’s a list of the most popular majors, along with suggestions as to which kind of jobs you might expect. For unintentional hilarity, for example, it’s hard to beat this pair of career options for a psychology major: “criminologist … or advertising executive.”

Don’t ask me how the job of understanding the criminal mind and the creation of an advertising campaign require the same skill set — but it somehow makes sense.

But here’s the one I zeroed in on. As the father of an English major who became a tax collector, and as someone with first-hand knowledge of such, uh, “springboard” degrees (I was a film major), this passage had me rolling on the floor:

7. English language and literature
With an English degree, you can certainly become a starving author. Or you can become an affluent one. Just ask Stephen King.

There’s one Stephen King and at least 10 million starving, wannabe writers. Kids, take a math class if you need help computing these odds.

You can also become a legendary football coach like Joe Paterno or a governor like Mario Cuomo. These and many other people used a degree in English as a springboard to a successful career.

If you’re an English major, any other career is considered “successful.”

English programs are about communication, which is important in any career.

Then again, all those skilled communicators in the newspaper business are unemployed.

Studying English also gives you the unique opportunity to engage with different societies, eras and experiences of others through literature so that you may communicate your own experiences and successes and inspire others.

Maybe you can inspire them to consider other majors.

Classes you’ll probably take: creative writing, literary criticism and early American literature.

That creative writing will come in handy when you prepare your resume, as you seek ways to disguise the fact that you’ve got nothing but an English degree in hand.

Career options: editor, lawyer or writer.

Here are a few more: Starbucks barista, waitress, grocery store check-out clerk, paint mixer at Home Depot, telemarketer, seasonal tax-preparation consultant, online penny-stock tout or veterinarian’s kennel attendant.

Good luck, and let me know how it works out.