Sickest. Person. Ever.
This will be short, and not because there’s a scarcity of things to write about. It’s short only because I watched 2007 depart from the comfort of my bed. And from my toilet.
Surely I don’t have to spell this out for you.
I’m hardly ever sick. I was blessed with a sound constitution, and my few vices tend to be non-debilitating. Plus, I’m an obsessive hand-washer, a practice which science now tells us is one of the best ways to head off colds and flu. None of that did me any good three days ago, however. I was felled by a stomach virus, literally brought to my knees.
I’ve always been in awe of people who endure sickness with dignity and fortitude. I can’t muster anything except self-pity and whimpers. When I’m sick, no one has ever been sicker. In those moments when I feel bad, I’m puzzled that medical journals aren’t chronicling my distress, because history has never before produced anyone more diseased than I am right then. I should have three or four doctors hovering over me, studying my symptoms and making detailed notes on my condition.
Friends and family have a bad habit of trying to put my occasional illnesses into context, saying things like, “Oh, it’s just a 24-hour thing, you’ll be okay,” or “Yeah, there’s a bug going around.” Listen, people, I don’t get “bugs.” I get life-threatening afflictions, the likes of which would carry off any other mortal being. Furthermore, if I seem to recover in a mere 24 hours it’s due to my hardy constitution and all that hand-washing you snicker about when you think I’m not listening.
Happily, I seem to have survived this latest near-death experience. Be forewarned, though: There’s a bug going around.
January 2nd, 2008 at 5:32 pm
You poor thing! Are you right sure it wasn’t food poisoning? Seven of us came down with food poisoning Thanksgiving and for a time there I was afraid I wasn’t going to die and get it over with. I hope your bed was close to your toilet as mine was. Sympathetic Judy
January 3rd, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Grow an appendage, Gearino. You think you’re the only guy in America who got felled by a bout of holiday squirts? Happens all the time. Comes with the season, dude. Slug down a triple-dose of Pepto and move on. No pun intended. Don’t forget to wipe your mouth or you’ll be walking around all day with pink lips.
And, by “appendage” of course I’m referring to “that certain part of the male anatomy”. Got that tactful descriptive from an Extenze Male Enhancement infomercial. Some guy purporting to be a doctor used it. He was wearing a lab coat. He looked like a doctor. But if he really was what he claimed, why didn’t he just say p—-s?
Now I get it. P—-s is kinda hard to say out loud. That is what he was talking about, right? Maybe he means Adam’s apple. Women don’t have one of those do they? Or maybe he’s referring to the extra rib.
In all seriousness, I hope you feel better Dan (wuss).