Laws, get yer new laws here!
It’s safe to come out now. The North Carolina legislature has adjourned, but not before leaving behind a passel of new laws. Here are the verbatim explanations of a few of them, courtesy of my local newspaper and complete with sotto voce comments from yours truly:
“Senate Bill 258: Adopt Salute to the Flag: Makes the following the official salute to the N.C. state flag: ‘I salute the flag of North Carolina and pledge to the Old North State love, loyalty and faith.’ ” Pledge my love? So, where exactly do I put my right hand while all this pledging is going on?
“House Bill 406: Adopt State Collard Festival: Ayden Collard Festival adopted as the official collard festival of North Carolina.” OK, Aydenites, you get what you presumably asked for. You’ve now got permanent custody of this vile weed.
“House Bill 634: Advance Directive/Health Care Power of Attorney: Creates a new state medical form for end of life choices, revises health-care power of attorney language.” Ooooh, you need to create a new form? Call in the legislators! They’re the only people who can handle a complicated job like that! And don’t even think about sending that fax by yourself!
“Senate Bill 1218: Candidate Felony Disclosure: Requires candidates for state legislature, board of county commissioners and school board to disclose whether they have been convicted of a felony.” Let’s think about this a second. So we’re now trusting criminals — who are by definition dishonest — to be honest enough to disclose their dishonesty? Also, notice that other elective offices are specifically not mentioned. Note to felons: Set your sights on a sheriff’s post. Or maybe even the governor’s office.
“Senate Bill 1464: Amend Wildlife Resources Management Laws: Makes it unlawful to feed wild alligators.” Actually, this is a self-enforcing law. Feed the wild alligators all you want. But just remember — you’re the food. Survivors will be prosecuted.
“House Bill 958: DCR/Graveyard of the Atlantic: This bill started as an attempt to name the American bullfrog North Carolina’s official amphibian. But the Senate gutted the bill and inserted language to have the Department of Cultural Resources assume responsibility for the Graveyard of the Atlantic Museum.” Every time you find yourself thinking that serving in the legislature is a magnificent and noble calling, read the previous two sentences again.